Every day mommy wars take place online, where I live basically, and I am sure you all do more than you'd like to admit. Day in and day out I see women excitedly post about this or that accomplishment or super-human mommy task they've completed. Silently we compare ourselves though we try not to, and we compare our children to theirs as well.
The same goes for marriages you know. Nearly all of us mommies are also wives yet we seldom utter a word of the hardship being a mother, and trying to be a good mother at that, takes on our marriage. This in a way relates to my Mother's Day post. Facebook was teeming with "look at this breakfast in bed I received" and television promises that there are real life husbands who present their wives with diamonds and cars with big red bows on top.
I'll break the silence, being a good parent is HARD, and being a good wife and maintaining a good marriage while being a good parent...well that's even HARDER. I wish I saw more real and raw interactions online across social media outlets and blog posts. I think it would help me and others to know they are not alone, that someone can relate and that we all will get through it, hopefully intact.
I have a good marriage and I love my husband but it takes SO much work to maintain. Loving someone is the easy part, liking them through raising three kids without building resentment...is the tough part. I wonder sometimes if super moms are compensating for something or can they do it all? I know I'm not alone in wondering these things.
I recently got the opportunity to speak to a lovely and inspiring older couple. Married at least 40+ years and the parents of two older children. "How do you do it? How did you do it?" I asked. "We don't fight over little things" they said, "just let the small stuff roll off, life's too short." I wonder if that's easier for them to say now that it's just the two of them, when my marriage seems to be currently comprised of fighting over EVERY small thing.
I wish this blog post could have a real end with some kind of real life practical answer but I'm not there yet. My only advice is that you have to keep trying, make time for your marriage and partner, maintain that friendship and put your marriage before your kids from time to time if you have to.
Keep strong and know that yes, motherhood is the hardest job on earth but it's not your only job, which just makes it even harder. But we're tough, resilient, beautiful and capable. You probably keep most of these trials and troubles to yourself just as I do but we're not doing ourselves or anyone any good by pretending that these hardships don't exist.
Let's all support eachother. In between the butt wiping, housekeeping, working, and buying cloth diapers of course...let's keep it real. I will if you will.
Smooches,
Julie
<3
ReplyDeleteYou are definetely not alone...I feel like I fail miserably at both. What makes it worse is when the other spouse "sweats the small stuff" and compares what he sees about others and compares it to rhe work that I do, which most of the time I feel like I do not accomplish much at all. Don't get me wrong I love him, but everyday I struggle hard to fight resentment. I am a stay at home mom, which I love, but rarely do I feel like I succeed at my job, which is 24/7. Yes, I feel victory on the days when I get everyone's special request meals on the table, dishes clean, and laundry done...but then I look back on it all and say to myself "well this is how it should be everyday", which is pretty rare, let's say maybe once a month? There are no pats on the back, joys of promotion, and etc. At times I feel rather lonely, but feel extremely guilty if I just sit for a minute or two and call my best friend because I could be cleaning up the mess that looks like it was created by a tornado. Maybe I just need to fight the tears resulting from criticism and realize that being a "Supermom" is taking the time to make those around me feel like they are important while sacrificing certain chores. I know down the road I will feel guilty if I miss out too much on my children's childhood and building a relationship with my husband...I just hope that they accept the fact that mommy/wife can't keep the house spottless at the same time ;-)
ReplyDeleteThank you for your words of encouragement. A lot of times I get wrapped up in being a mom that I forget about being a good wife. The older couple was right. I just blew up on my husband for doing something embarrassing in public. Next time I will keep my mouth shut and let it roll off...
ReplyDeleteGreat post, Julie. Being a wife and mom is often difficult. In my own marriage, it's not fighting so much as getting so wrapped up in doing the day-to-day together that we forget to connect as husband and wife. At the end of some days, I can't remember if we've hugged, or kissed, or even said I love you. And I know we have to keep that part up so that we still have a marriage at the end of all this kid stuff, when it's just us again. I love my husband to pieces and we're very compatible, so I think this is as easy as it gets. It makes me wonder how some couples ever survive. Sheer perseverance! (My grandparents have been married 60 years this summer but they've never liked each other. Imagine that!)
ReplyDelete<3 it! And you! Thx for being raw. My mom always told me that my marriage had to come before my children; even if it goes against what I want to do first.
ReplyDeleteTotally agree. I'd love for some of us to do blog posts or a series about this sometime - let's talk on Twitter or email about it maybe? Will you be at BlogHer?
ReplyDeleteMost people don't share the challenges of marriage because it's really not appropriate. What happens between a husband and wife should stay between them. I don't think there is anything more tacky than seeing someone complain or say something bad about their spouse on Facebook. I also think it's easy as girls to get caught up in husband bashing but it's really destructive to the marriage. I get what you are saying though. It's hard to feel good about yourself and your marriage when you think everyone else's marriage is perfect. Just remember that no one is perfect and all marriages have problems. What is important is that you work through them.
ReplyDeleteI so appreciate this kind of honesty. Thank you. I'm not a mom (yet), but I found my way here through @JennyBradford (above). I do, in fact, blog about the challenges of marriage--in an attempt to defeat the perception that everyone else's marriage is perfect and flawless.
ReplyDeleteWe have conflict (much less now than before) and we've learned a lot through our conflicts. I make a point NOT to bash my husband online (or even in my head or heart, as much as possible) because it does nothing to grow our marriage. I have a series on my blog called Make-Up-Monday which is all about the conflicts we (and other couples) have worked through, what we've learned and how we've come out on the other side. I'd love to have you stop by for a little reality, if you like. :)